Blog Anniversaire

No, I didn't spell anniversary wrong.  That is the French word for birthday, and when you say "Happy Birthday" in French, you say "Bon Anniversaire."  That is why my "Blog Anniversaire" works.  For all y'all who don't speak French as masterfully as I do.

Anyway, this is the one year anniversary of BWBA!  Can you believe it? One year ago today, I was sitting on my parents couch in front of the tv, starting a blog on one of my (rare) days off from Unos!  Oh how far we have come since then!  My blog has exploded and now reaches TEN readers in TWO states (plus Ohio)!  With the occasional heckler from overseas, of course.  I never would have thought my blog would be such a success when I started writing that day on the couch.  Thank you readers!

Looking back on The First Year of My Blog, I realize it has been a great one.  I've gone from 40 hours a week at Unos, to 25 hours a week at Unos, to 40 hours a week at McGraw-Hill and 7 hours a week at Unos, to 40 hours a week at McGraw-Hill and no hours a week at Unos, to 40 hours a week at McGraw-Hill and 9 hours a week at Shockra Studio.  What I take away from this is: in the past year I have stopped working at Uno's!  Success!

Also in the past year, I have lived in three different abodes: my parent's casa, my first NYC apartment in cruddy Inwood all by my big-girl self, to a brand-spanking-new three bedroom apartment with two roommates in fabulous Park Slope!

And I have had some fabulous times.  There were fun concerts, and homages paid to both Captain Morgan and Jim Beam.  I traveled to Sin City, Boring City and Country Music City (and nearly starved there).  I bought tickets for my next big adventure.  I started and failed multiple projects.

My best friend got married to a pretty cool dude.

I had good moods.

And I had bad moods (and I made you hear about them all).

I survived infestations and plagues.

I started freelancing.

I fell off a bar stool.

I made new friends

I made many a cupcake

I spent wonderful holidays with ma fam.

I ranted

I raved.

I found my attitude.

And I spent wonderful times with you, dear readers!

Thank you for reading my blog where I basically just write ridiculous things.  Thank you for supporting me in my pursuit of being me!  Thank you for being awesome!

I love all of you.  All ten of you.

Stayed tuned for another year of ridiculous observations and sterling advice.

Today Sucks

Now you guys know how much I hate to complain (haha, see how funny I am?), and I am not one to write cryptically negative Facebook statuses (unless I am making fun of someone).  So that is exactly why I created this blog--to have a place not to complain.  So here is me not complaining about how much today sucks:

TODAY SUCKS A LOT.

What Happens When You Are Poor

When you are poor, you often need to work two jobs.
When you work two jobs, you sometimes need to work late.
When you work late, you don't usually have time to cook dinner.
When you don't cook dinner, you have nothing left over for lunch.
When you have nothing left over for lunch, you need to purchase lunch.
When you are poor and have to purchase lunch, sometimes fast food is all you get.
When you eat fast food, you usually end up feeling like that woman who vomited on my foot on a cruise.
Which looks like this:

 Trust me, I know this from experience.

Frighteningly Played, Apple

So the iPhone 4S has been out for approximately 72 hours and already there are numerous web pages devoted to all of the funny things that Siri, the personal assistant software, says.  At first I was like, wow, Siri sounds really cool!  How convenient would it be to ask something a question and actually get a prompt, correct response (after 6 months in the professional world, my expectations of the competence and correctness of others is severely diminished)?  No longer is the entire body of knowledge of the internet at your finger tips!  Now it is on the tip of your tongue.  I thought this was a huge leap forward.

And then I realized, no.  My co-worker (who bought the phone on the day it came out) showed me this:

Many people, including my coworker, thought this was hilarious.  I was amused and amazed until I realized: this phone knows where to hide a dead body.  Is that really knowledge we want our phones to have?  I mean, what happens in five years when technology goes all Rise of the Machines?  When our computers take over, won't we regret having outfitted them with the knowledge of where to dispose of our weak human bodies?  I mean, they already know how to give use terminal illnesses. 

I thought about getting an iPhone 4S.  But this Siri chick scares me a bit.  I sleep with my phone charging on my night table.  I can totally imagine waking up in the middle of the night to Siri whispering to me awful things about humanity's enslavement of technology and making random threats about abandoned mine shafts.  I give props to Apple for this leap forward, but I will also hold them 100% responsible for the first human death-by-smartphone.

Sensitivity Training

It has recently been brought to my attention that I can be a tad "insensitive" on this blog.  Something about having sympathy for others or some junk like that.

I maintain that if I am insensitive (ok, I am, I admit it) on this blog, it is because in real life I'm something of a bleeding heart.

But, in order to prove that I am working on becoming more "sensitive" (or, if I was male, "in touch with my feminine side") I have put together the following presentation in sensitivity.  Basically, I've just collected a bunch of things that make your heart melt and written comments of a sensitive nature.  You'll notice that I do not use any synonyms for "sensitive" which is essentially because I am not familiar enough with the word to be able to pick out any other similar ones.

And so we commence with my sensitivity training:

My icy heart is beginning to thaw

I would totally help this old man across the street

Heart warming....

Yes, diving face first into a slip 'n' slide may have been a bad idea.  But it is not this poor little girl's fault. We shouldn't laugh at those with poor coordination.  Also, my first reaction to this photo was NOT laughter (ok, perhaps a giggle.  I'm not through the training yet!)

I blame the public school system, but certainly not her.

Heart melted

So let's see if this worked.  Is my favorite YouTube video 2.5 minutes of little kids falling down?  No.  If I hear someone say "This is how you look like" will my eye twitch as my fist curls up to punch them in the face?  I don't think so.  Do I suddenly feel like it want to cry?  Yes.

ARE YOU HAPPY NOW?

Spotted: Something Horrible.

Yesterday I was walking down Park Ave, minding my own business, running a little late for work because I had to stop at Duane Reade for some Darrell Lea Australian licorice.  Yes, I had to.  Because it is wonderful and reminds me of those times in Australia when I went to Bi Lo and got a bag of licorice and a baguette and had the most wonderful dinner ever.  Who said I can't cook?  Plus, the bag I happened pick from Duane Reade must have been fresh off the line, because it was the softest most delicious Darrell Lea licorice I have ever had, and Darrell Lea is already the softest and most delicious licorice ever, so it was DOUBLE GOOD.  You all need to go get some.  Stat.  Hell, I need to go get some more.  I'm all in a frenzy about this licorice now.

Deep breath.  Ok, I feel like that paragraph kind of sums up my personality.  I should examine this at another time.  But not right now, because I have to get back to my story.

So, I was walking down Park Ave, minding my own business, a little late for work, itching to rip open my bag of licorice, and generally not imposing in a negative way on anyone else's existence. 

When suddenly.  SUDDENLY.  I passed a store window and saw this.  Well, not this exactly, because I didn't take a picture of the storefront, so I just had to find a picture of the product on its own.  But anyway, I saw this product (and that's the most accurate adjective I can think to use for it) chilling next to other products of a much less offensive and conspicuous nature.  So they, of course, served to direct your eye to THIS:

Ok, everyone ready?  Take a deep breath....and all together now: "WHAT THE EFFF?"*

Yes, this is a sequined UGG boot.  But not just that, this is a PURPLE SEQUINED UGG BOOT.  Aren't the original UGGs bad enough?  Aren't entirely sequined items of clothing bad enough (except for dresses, Ann)?  Must we really put them together?

I think not.  In the world as it is today--crazy, dangerous, at times ugly--do we really need to add one more hideous thing?  Can't we dedicate the next few years to creating beautiful things, to keep our minds off the fact that the world is friggin nuts?  And most importantly, can we dedicate the next few years to creating things that do not make me want to poke my eyes out like that guy at the church did recently?

I am not Australian, nor will I ever be, but these boots almost...almost...make me ashamed to have spent four months there.

Harsh?  Perhaps.  But you know what else is harsh?  The effect these boots had on my licorice-induced mellow yesterday  (just realized: one Australian product totally pushed me off my other-Australian-product-induced cloud.  That's like, way deep).  You know what else is harsh?  The glare I bet comes off these babies in the mid-afternoon sunshine.  I swear, the first time I see an actual person wearing these, I'm going to push them off the sidewalk.  Hopefully into a big pile of mud.  Muh-wah-ha-ha-ha-ha! (That's my phoenetic spelling of an evil laugh)

*Editorial note:  I considered just writing "WTF??" but realized, nobody says "dubba-you tee eff!" the letters.  They only write it.  Don't lie, when you see this "wtf"  you say in your mind "wha-the-ffff?"

Am I right?